The "Groundhog El Nino Christmas Miracle" **

Dear Iz,

After missing out on snow most of the winter, and your Aunt Jess buying you a snowglobe for Christmas you finally got your chance to experience real snow! I was all but convinced you'd lost your opportunity this year - so much so that I didn't bother to tell you there was a chance for it. And even when our friends were reporting snow on Facebook, I still didn't have much hope. So I was overjoyed when I turned to look out the window to see huge snowflakes falling from the sky. The excitement was beyond containing when I suggested you go look out the window yourself. It took a moment to register, and then you began yelling "IT'S SNOWING, IT'S SNOWING!!!" You ran to your room to put on your "snow dress", some tights and boots and then ran to the back door to go outside. The rest is history!

** The title of this blog comes from my friend Heather - who wittingly said this when finding out you FINALLY received some snow...

Be Excellent.

Dear Iz,

I'm watching the Winter Olympics for the first time since.... well ever. I must admit, I never really "got" the Olympics before. But then, I never really "got" competition before either. And because of that, I'm certainly not the "Best" of anything. But as I sit here watching people live out their dreams of being the very best in the world, I find myself becoming pretty emotional. Many times I've even become choked up after a competition. And I realized that I've never experienced that kind of determination or pride. And Izzy, I want that for you.

I promise right now that I will never be a "soccer mom". I will never take anything of yours and make it mine. I will do my best to never push you harder than you need to be pushed. But in turn, I'd like you to be excellent. Not at everything, not even at many things - that is just way too much pressure. But be excellent at something. Your father is an excellent musician, writer AND artist. Your grandmother is excellent at being nice, sympathetic and giving. Your great-grandfather is excellent at always being right (or at least he'd like to think so). But other than those examples, you don't really come from a family of excellence (like, say, the Kennedy's).

I promise to do my very best to expose you to as much as possible in hopes that you will find your passion. That you will one day grow to be a determined woman yearning for the taste of success. It makes no difference to me what you go for, just go for something. And when you do - Be Excellent.

Love,

Your already proud mother

on the first year of motherhood

Dear Izzy,

I recently wrote this response to a new mother in my Austin Mama group who was having a difficult time with her 3 month old son. I was met with tons of responses from mothers thanking me for posting, as they felt I articulated spot-on what that first year of motherhood is like. In the God-awful event that I'm not around when and if you give me my first grandchild, I wanted to share this with you.

"I just want to reiterate what the other Mama's have said. In fact, I think I wrote a similar message to this group about 2 years ago. And funny enough, I was having this exact conversation with 2 expectant mothers at a party this weekend. My best friend came up to me and said "Did you seriously have to make the first year sound that bad? You probably scared them to death. I know I'm definitely re-thinking this motherhood thing."

But honestly, that first year sucks. And few moms are honest about it. When I gave birth I expected the heavens to open, the angels to sing and to immediately feel the strongest bond I'd ever felt in my entire life. My husband and I WANTED this baby like nothing we'd wanted before. Instead I was exhausted and slowly gaining speed towards resentful. I was shocked at my depression and my anger towards "the baby". There were times my husband took my daughter away
because he was scared I was one more cry away from hurting her. I couldn't imagine it being PPD, because I had wanted her (skewed thinking obviously, but it made sense at the time), and like you, I was loathe to take drugs. This went on for months (I'm guessing about 6-9 months) before I just bottomed out. My cup was empty and no amount of rest, breaks or quiet dinners would fill the cup back up. I went to the doctor and was prescribed Welbutrin and by that time I willingly took it. Within 2 weeks I felt better - like I could breathe again. I took it for about 3 months and weaned myself off over 2 weeks (I don't suggest this, as doctors frown upon it - but it worked for me). I feel like in that time I learned to get ahold of things. It was like the fog lifted. Sure, the stress was still there. Yes I was disappointed that I had stopped breastfeeding (the goal was a year), I had stopped cloth diapering (I wanted to save the Earth) and was putting my daughter in front of Classical Baby for sometimes up to an hour (TV would stunt her brain!) But like the other Mama's say - there comes a point when your reality crashes with your ideals. And something's gotta give.

As I told a pregnant friend of mine this weekend, lower your bar. Have an ideal, have an "absolutely NOT", and then work your way into the grays of motherhood. Do the best you can, but don't expect too much of yourself. There are days when you can make up for the bad days - and as long as you put in the effort, you are doing better than so many moms out there.

Also, take heart. It gets better. I look at my 3 1/2 year old daughter now and wonder how I ever could have questioned my love for her (though, I remember enough to understand how...) I feel like around the time she turned 15 months or so things got SO much better. She started to show her personality that was impossible not to fall in love with, we were doing more bonding and in general she was less work (ie: she was sleeping through the night, feeding herself and easier to entertain).

Also, and please understand I am not at all criticizing, judging or anything of the like, I'm just trying to share an outside perspective - your son's father is his father. He may not be the kind of father you envisioned, but he's his father all the same. I know it took my husband some time to get adjusted to fatherhood (again, around 15 months or so), and even still he doesn't do things the way I'd like. I have to remind him to play with our daughter. I suggest he take her to the store with him. I'm constantly reminding him to be something besides just the disciplinarian. To be sweet and soft. It should be noted at this point that my husband is in a metal band - sweet and soft just doesn't come natural. In my mind I pictured Bill Cosby - in reality I got the metal version of (I hope) Reverend Run.

My point is, surely he has something to offer - and on the upside, it sounds like it will be much different than what you have to offer. So to take a cup-half-full outlook, maybe your child will turn out to be an intellectual kid that has street smarts and a sassy tongue. It'll make him more well-rounded in his later years. But (and maybe this is where my point becomes controversial), I feel like it's our job as mothers to inspire fathers to be more than they think they can be. Especially in this generation where fatherhood has definitely been revamped. Instead of seeing what you don't want, see what he can offer (everyone has something to offer). Gently nudge him in a direction where he can be involved. It's hard with babies - I feel like a lot of men just don't know what to do with them, but as he gets older, help the father see where he can make a difference. Remind him what a positive role model is - by asking what kind of father he wanted for himself. Remind him that he now has an opportunity to be the kind of father he wanted (because didn't we all want awesome fathers?) This is just a suggestion and something that has inspired my own husband to be a more mindful father. Take it for what it's worth, or throw it out the window, as I definitely realize that one size does NOT fit all. =)

Either way, know you aren't alone. Even those of us that desperately wanted children wake up feeling like we could walk out the door and never look back. We look at our embarrassingly messy houses, the kids eating Cheez-Its while watching Sponge Bob and wonder how we got so off track. But then there's the days where your kid discovers a love for broccoli, paints a beautiful picture and says "When I grow up, I'm going to become President and make a law that everyone has to smile and say 'thank you'" - and you feel like you just might be hanging in there as an okay Mom..."

Dear Iz,

Right now you are super sick and curled up on the couch. We have no idea what's wrong with you, at first we thought allergies but as your temperature has climbed higher and higher I'm thinking it's more serious than that. Last night I panicked when your fever hit 104 degrees. I called the doctor and they said I was over-treating you by giving you both Motrin and Tylenol (something mother's have been doing for ages). They also said a trip to the E.R. wasn't needed until you hit 105. Tonight you hit 104.6 and I freaked out again. Another call to the doctor. Another nurse telling us not to worry, just keep you hydrated and give you a tepid bath if necessary.

Meanwhile it's breaking our hearts to watch you. You whimper almost constantly, yet when you have moments of energy you are still as sweet and funny as ever. You thank me for everything when you are sick. Covering you up, "loving you" (cuddling), giving you juice or water - everything. Yesterday I picked you up a red heart balloon from Walgreens and you must thank me 20 times a day for buying it. Tonight you just lied there on the couch watching it - happy to see it bounce around in place.

This sickness can't end soon enough. I'm so ready for you to be dancing around the house and chasing the cat. While I love the chance to hold and rock you again as I did when you were a baby (and too tired to truly appreciate it) - I hate that it's at the expense of you. But I know that this will end soon because you are so much like us - you are pushing through like a champ.

All my love,

Mom

im complicated. ill just say that right now.

hey girl


im pretty sure you have conflicted feelings about me lately.

i tickle you all the time and make you laugh. i tell you that cookies can talk and that gingerbread men poot cinnamon...i let you know that you have the power to question monsters who come into your room without asking first and then eating them if they dont leave when you tell them to.

but i also make you clean your room and leave mommy alone. i make sure that you always say please and thank you. i dont let you eat lollipops whenever you think you
deserve one.

i fight a hard battle when i interact with you and it's hard to express sometimes, to your mommy, just how hard it is. but you need to know how much i love you.

your granpa dawson and abuelita werent the most emotionally invested people in the world and your daddy grew up in a house of strict and unreasonable rules. your daddy got pops all the time and was never allowed to eat lollipops...even if i cleaned up my messy room all by myself.

to this day, your granpa has never told me the ins-and-outs of how to raise a little girl and all your abuelita wants to do is tell me that i am the man i am because of her. its a bizarre and un-fixable relationship. even now, they dislike how little they see you but even when they are here they really dont know what to do with you.

i work really hard to not repeat the same mistakes that i think my parents made. especially my dad. my dad was never there for me emotionally. i heard "i dont know" out of his mouth as much as i heard "what the hell?". i do my very best to say "i dont know". ...which is why you are able to eat monsters and gingerbread men poop gumdrops.

when i make you clean your room or tell you that you cant have a lollipop, its not beacuse i want to be mean and make you unhappy. its not because i dont love you. the truth is that i am fighting my programming. my parents programmed me to be a certain way. your mommy has done a lot to fix me as a man but i have a long way to go before i am a really good dad.

so i just want you to know that you are the light of my life, even though sometimes it's hard for me to see it when im half-awake. i love you more than i love your mommy sometimes but thats only because you arent moody yet. but the truth is that without you i would have never enjoyed playing with legos again or discovered spongebob.

there is no one in this world who will jump out and protect you faster than me and there will be no force on this earth capable of laying a finger on you without my permission....your future boyfriends (and you) will have a rough go of it, indeed. and, despite what i tell your mommy, it is hard to hear you crying. which is why i try to make you laugh as much as i do by being silly or telling you silly things.

next to your mommy, you are the most beautiful and cherished girl on this planet and even though i want to be able to give you all the damned lollipops the world has to offer, i simply cant. it wouldnt be right for me to do that anymore than it would be right for me to never let you have one. i already know what that does to a child.

looking forward to hugs and kisses later.

love your daddy.

the happy walk

Dear Izzy,

You have a new walk. I saw it today at the park and it made me laugh pretty hard. When I happened to be behind you with a camera when you started doing it at the Capitol...


Pictures don't do it justice. It is the most awesome "I'm having fun walk" I have ever seen. love you.

Merry Christmas Izzy

Oh, my dearest Izzy !!!

It's Christmas Eve and in a few more minutes it will officially be Christmas :) I can't even begin to write about how happy I am that we are all here - at your house - together to celebrate the day.

This will be the first year that you have really had an idea of what Christmas is all about and you are beyond excited about it. And, as your Grandma, I feel like a kid again because of your excitement. I have enjoyed every single minute of the shopping and preparation that comes with making it a memorable day for you.

Your Mama has always been my greatest joy in life and now that you are here, that joy has somehow tripled with you. I don't know how that is possible, but, that's the way it has turned out.

Now that your Mama has shown me how to get in here and blog to you, you'll be hearing more from me. Perhaps I can leave a few words of wisdom that you can use in the years to come to make your life a little easier :)

Know that I love you more than words can describe and that your Mom and Dad are doing an exceptional job of raising you and showing you as much joy as possible. Ahhhh, life is so very, very good.

Gotta go now and watch It's a Wonderful Life which I have done for the last ... well ... more years than I will mention here :) Which reminds me, please always try to watch that movie every year at Christmas time and know that the world would just not be right if you weren't in it !!! You also need to be sure and watch Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase. You will see so many of your family in that movie ... sorry about that !!!!

Ho, Ho, Ho and Merry Christmas !!!!!! I'm sooooooooooo excited !!!!!!

Hugs and Kisses -

Gram